Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The faint aroma of imaginary success

Doing the show on my own this past Sunday was liberating, and by all accounts was decidedly better than every other show I had done with the former co-host. My comedian guests, Ian Salmon and Sarah Newell, were fabulous and very generous to spend their time with me on Sunday after doing a huge gig the night before - a Def Comedy Jam event! Look these people up on MySpace, they're really nice and fun, and overall I was very very happy with how the show went. I need to upload it for sure. This one I am actually proud of, minus me stumbling over the very long call letters and legal ID of the station at the opening of the show. It just sucks not having almost any time to dedicate to serious production work. It should already be edited and ready for your listening pleasure, but I am so tired, I can barely dress myself in the morning.
Which brings me to my next point. As much as I honestly heart the Junkies, and Bret O, and pretty much everyone at WJFK, I don't know how much more of this schedule I can take. My internship is officially done in a few weeks, so naturally I would like to have a sit-down with the PD and see if they can make any room for me at all there. I can't imagine not ever seeing any of the wonderful people I've met at the station. The thought of it really makes me sad. But come on, waking up at 3:30 AM three times a week for FREE?! I mean, if I can at least get some paid hours at the station, I could cut back more at the salon and live more like a human and less like a zombie. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll become the most hated Junkette! Ha ha ha.

Whatever, it's time to brag. A famous person who may or may not have appeared on the show in recent weeks called me today! He actually called me! I am honestly floored by how kind and wonderful and cordial people can be, when you least expect it. Am I retarded to hope for an actual long-term friendship? Every time someone expresses any form of liking me, my first response is to laugh in my own face. But why the hell not? Total retards go around liking people and being liked back, so I deserve a little bit of love and respect too, and it might as well be from well-known public figures. Maybe if I got more of it as a sickly infant, I wouldn't feel so doubtful about it all now... Yes, it all comes back to the mommy issues. Wah, wah, wah! No, but seriously.... When I think about the fact that my mom got married and knocked up with me by age 20, I just feel bad for her. I really did ruin her life. No wonder she pawned me off to my grandparents for much of my baby-hood so she could at least finish college. She claims she's happy, but I know that when my birthday rolls around on Monday, AKA Cinco de Mayo, she will remind me once again about how the labor almost killed her. She just can't help herself. I know it was traumatic, but I can't spend my entire life feeling guilty for existing. Or maybe I can. My guilt levels are always at a nice, steady level, peaking in the red during holidays.

This coming up Sunday, another really funny local comedian will join me in studio. I met him at a bar downtown. His name is Peter. Before I even knew he was a comedian, he made me crack up while serving us drinks. He made fun of yuppy people in the neighborhood who call their children Dylan, Declan, Madison, and Carter without any provocation, without thinking twice that perhaps MY name is Dylan, Declan, Madison, or Carter. I liked that about him. He just knew it would make us all laugh. He made fun of us too, right to our faces. I respect that kind of person. So anyway, he'll be my guest and it's guaranteed to be a great show!

Monday, April 21, 2008


What a disaster this last show was. I feel truly embarrassed, and wish I could erase the day not only from my own memory, but from the memories of those unfortunate souls who chanced to hear the debacle.
Despite several warnings and pleas to my former co-host for proper, professional conduct, he hi-jacked the show and took it completely off the rails with his vulgar, simplistic, and completely out of place comments. The charm of working with him at first was that he was quiet and only spoke in response to my topics. I had always liked him during school and enjoyed the audio projects he created, so when I first thought of working with him, I couldn't even suspect that he would turn out to be such a loose cannon. Well, that's exactly what he was. He interrupted me, our callers, and made me feel truly comfortable. I wanted to cut the program short and run away crying, but alas, I had to sit there and wait it out. He was probably just excited and couldn't control himself, which is bad... but what if he ultimately doesn't care that I'm the one that created the show, and that he has to recognize his place in the scheme of things? That's much worse, isn't it? He just wants to do what he wants to do, and say the things he likes to say, which are pretty much too absurd and too foul even for me.

For the love of the baby Jesus, please tune in next Sunday and give the new and improved show a chance! There will be guests, there will be calls, and I'll actually try to round up prizes for anyone who even bothers to participate in the show interactively; i.e. calling in, e-mailing, supporting in any way. There will be no more wild, overbearing co-host. Only the strangely addicting phenomenon that is me ;-)

But the truth is I feel awful and nervous. I don't like conflict of any kind, so writing the email breaking off the on-air relationship was very difficult. I wish him all the best of luck, but I just know that I can't wait around for him to mature as a performer. I honestly hate this feeling. This is how it felt when I would first start dating someone and then realize within a day or two that he was creepy, while he was completely oblivious and thought things were going great. The break-up would hit him completely out of the blue, and after that point all the affection he felt for me would turn into bitter resentment. That's what I hope doesn't happen now. Enough people out there hate me already.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Mariya Alexander Show - Episode 2

Join me tomorrow, Sunday April 13 @ 1 PM for another exciting hour of The Mariya Alexander Show featuring The Incredible White Bean aka Chris Green.

Is Barrack Obama really a long-legged mack daddy? Would you be a pedophile for a day if it meant you made someone's dying wish come true? Don't the poor women in Darfur deserve to not be raped and tortured as they forage for fire wood? (This one is serious.) There is no topic we won't cover, and no body part we won't expose as we court the attention of our fickle, barely there audience. Tune into:


or, if you're a resident of Fairfax County you can catch us on:

Cox channel 37
Comcast channel 27

every Sunday at 1 PM !!!!

If you have a charity or creative endeavor you'd like to promote, or if you have a great idea you'd like to hear on the fake radio, OR if you have no life and the generosity of Mother Teresa and simply want to help out with promotion and organization, please leave a comment or email me: mariyamedia@verizon.net.
Angry redneck stalkers need not apply. Stalkers of other varieties possibly welcome.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Uncle Sam is a selfish bastard who only cares about himself

I was late for my internship at WJFK on Monday because it took forever to get our taxes done. My poor grandma didn't realize what a circus she was in for. "You'll be out of here in like 40 minutes," she said, but NO DICE. With five W-2's between the both of us, as well as two 1099's from Thanasi, we were there until like 11, trying to knock down the monster debt to something a little more manageable. This meant I didn't fall asleep 'till like 11:30, which led to my not even reacting to my alarm when it rang to wake me up at 4 AM. I woke up in a panic about 5 minutes before the Junkies went live, and called Bret the producer, and of course, always being the sweetheart that he is, he said it was "Cool". I wonder if "cool" really means "I don't give two shits whether you're here or not, your presence is felt so little". I rushed over there anyway, with ragged hair and almost no make-up. I felt really out of sorts all day.

After listening to my show on Sunday, my parents complained that I made them look bad by confessing to the audience - all 10 of them - that we were very poor when we came to the US and that I had horrid, mis-matched clothes from thrift stores and the salvation army and kids made fun of me. In fact, they accused me of lying and exaggerating, claiming that I never wore second-hand clothes. It's amazing how little they remember about those times. I know they were busy working and trying to improve our situation, but my sister and I DID live through some frightening times. I even have a shirt that we got at some thrift store, or that the Jewish Community Center donated to us, still folded in my closet. I still wear it sometimes! My mother demanded I show it to her as proof, but I know that they won't acknowledge the fact that I was a complete and utter loser, mostly through no fault of my own.
"But we brought over our own clothes with us, that we bought in Turkey and Italy when we used to travel for our business back home!" they said defensively.
Yeah, well, the problem with those clothes was that they looked absolutely nothing like what the American kids were wearing, probably because everything I had was meant for adults, hung strangely on me, and by that point was obviously outdated. Every time I see old photos, I literally cringe, and I got to do a lot of that on Sunday! My parents are in the middle of remodeling their entire house, so all my old albums and yearbooks have resurfaced. I'll try to scan in some photos sometime soon so everyone can see what the fuck I'm talking about! It isn't a joke. I'm traumatized, damn it! And the yearbooks are the worst. All the inane, superficial comments, just so we don't have to feel alone... *sigh*

Oh well. Life sucks. Feeling alone is a permanent state of mind for me and I've come to accept it.

So, like totally K.I.T. and H.A.G.S. y'all!

Sunday, April 6, 2008


The first broadcast of the Mariya Alexander Show featuring the great White Bean AKA Beanus W, was a stellar success. This is especially true considering that I ran the board, fired sound effects and clips from a CD instead of a handy sound effect machine, and that we really didn't have the opportunity to practice or really plan anything major due to Beanus' circumstances with jobs and finances. We even had some phone calls! Of course my mom had to call in, even though she was so nervous, she just stammered her way through it and hung up quickly; and Emily from the salon called in, baby Jesus bless her heart; but otherwise the calls were from actual random listeners! A guy in Canada somehow stumbled upon the webcast, and a local woman also called, as did another girl whose show comes on after ours, and all to tell us that we didn't suck! Well, I can promise that next week we will not suck even more. We're going to get together and plan bits and topics, and do a better job of promoting. I waited until the last minute to let people know to listen because frankly I almost didn't want everyone to judge it in such a raw state, but I don't care anymore. It is what it is, and compared to the garbage that dominates most of the airwaves -on commercial and underground radio stations alike - our show definitely stands out. We aren't a "buddy" show with two brain-dead, identical clones talking about getting drunk together and hating people, we aren't uptight NPR-like drones who care too much about "issues"... We're just fun people who like gay pandas!

I DID mess up by arming the recorder and then not actually recording our show, so that sucks. I wanted to put it up on YouTube, but now everyone will have to wait until next Sunday to hear us live. I'll definitely make sure and record that one, so that should be up on YouTube and maybe MySpace? I guess now would be a good time to get some sort of podcasting site membership too. I'm so retarded at this part. I need a publicist and a producer! Any volunteers? We can't afford to pay you, but you will feel loved.

Also, if you have a band, or maybe you're a blingin' rapper, or maybe you have an interesting fetish, or just about anything at all that can make for good radio, please give me a holler. =)

Ta ta for now. It's time to go to Grandma's house so she can do our taxes. That's right. I got people.