This just in: absolutely nothing new happened!

As always, no one won tonight's debate, and nothing makes any more sense than anything else. That's a nice, rational, real, concrete world we live in, isn't it?

I understand that we have the "right" to "believe" in anything we want to in this "god"-forsaken country of ours, but I don't see how we can expect to play any significant role on the global stage if we can't even agree on what we see as empirical, unquestionable reality.

It's sad that it doesn't surprise me, but of course all the post-debate analyses have expertly declared that there was no "clear winner" out of Joe Biden and Sarah Palin tonight, and that each campaign should feel "pretty happy" with their candidate's performance.

So in the words of Sarah-The-Retard-Breeding Palin herself,

UMMMMM.....

DUUUUH!

*WINK*

Our news professionals have really gone off the deep end in trying to stay neutral in this blatant war of the religiously motivated fanatical morons against the rationally thinking, normal human beings. To the Associated Press' credit, they did just come out with a respectable piece dispelling the mis-facts mentioned tonight (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/debate_fact_check), but we all know that the average American isn't going to see that. All the "six pack Joes" out there watch TV and listen to what those dickheads named Topper, Brick, Chip, Chet, Brock, etc, have to say - and the message is that Sarah Palin's grammatically atrocious, nonsensical, but animated ramblings are just as valid as Joe Biden's specific, logically formulated arguments. She actually openly refused to answer questions, but was praised for it being a great strategy to not reveal weaknesses...
I don't think this is okay. They aim to not give an opinion that leans in any one direction, but they still sell their analysis in the form of personal thoughts - not hard facts. If they were to start focusing on those, however, they would be forced to say that Sarah Palin seldom made any actual sense, even within one phrase or sentence that she uttered at any given point; and they would be forced to say that at several points in the debate she openly refused to answer direct questions, reverting instead to the same exact lines we all so enjoyed hearing her use during her TV interviews... They would be forced to say that she winked a whole lot.... They would be forced to say that when Gwen Ifill asked her a complex question, at the heart of which was the question of whether she actually knows the vice president's role as designated by the US constitution (the one about Cheney's interpretation of the VP office), Sarah Palin actually shrugged and looked at Gwen helplessly for several seconds, before vaguely muttering something to the effect of "I agree with him", when the question never contained anything for her to agree or disagree with... And by the same token, they would be forced to acknowledge that Joe Biden knew exactly what Gwen meant, and spoke very confidently and concisely about the historical, constitutionally mandated role of the VP in the legislative process... Even a person of modest intellect can deduce that this was due to the fact that Joe Biden actually understands how US government works, historically and practically, and Sarah Palin does not, at least not nearly as thoroughly as one running for such high office should.

After all, she studied journalism. Her motivation was never a feeling of patriotic duty to serve her country. Everything about her demeanor and past career as a beauty queen and TV reporter screams of a desperate desire for attention and recognition for her god-given "talents". Actually, I don't want to downplay those. She is frighteningly cute. The entire campaign, I couldn't help thinking that what she really wanted to be doing was reading a beer commercial or lipstick commercial script or something. She just wants to be famous. She certainly has the aptitude for THAT. Hollywood, quickly, offer her a movie part already and get her off of our backs! I guarantee you she would withdraw herself from the race if they offered her a part in the next Shia Labeouf film.

Poop.

I know that politics is all BS and that everyone says things to get voted in and don't necessarily mean them, but wow. Doesn't it at least matter to anyone that Republicans aren't even saying anything that make sense in order to get elected? I mean, rhetoric or not, doesn't it sound better to hear someone say
"We want to bring hope by researching new energy, and providing universal healthcare, and giving women the right to choose what they do with their bodies, and giving tax breaks to people who commit to a college education"

rather than

"We want to give everyone guns, illegalize abortions, promote birthing retards but cut government funding for health care programs and social security benefits, and that's exactly what Jesus would do!"

No, but seriously.

Sarah Palin, unsurprisingly, sounds exactly like Cartman's mom. South Park will never be the same again. Her husband is a fisherman, and apparently likes to race snow cars. That was the bulk of her speech last night - inane ranting about her inbred, lumberjack family. Now the media seems to be praising her for "energizing" the republican party. I think that just like we shouldn't allow people to drive or operate machinery after a certain age, by the same token we should not allow those same old farts to vote. Then we would see how energized the Republican party would be. We're keeping people alive too long, we really are. Why should some ancient sack of flesh be in any way influencing what happens to me?

"Oh, I'm Sarah Palin! I wear a neat bun, and shoot defenseless animals whom I skin alive and bathe in their blood, but a retarded fetus is just too much of a waste of life! The world is suffering from epidemics of sexually transmitted diseases, but I want to do away with sexual education, and the teaching of evolution to boot! I was a part of the party that wanted Alaska to secede from the United States because that's how much I hate people who like gays and don't hunt"

"I saw Barack Obama touching people..""

I love Joe Biden, and no less so for the quote so cleverly featured in the title of this entry.

No, but seriously, I am embarrassed to admit that I, like the people allegedly touched by Mr. Obama, am experiencing strange warm feelings throughout the course of this Democratic convention. My cool, cynical, Facebook-ready third person outer narrator is ashamed, but my secret inner flag-saluting patriot is sticking feathers in her cap and calling them Macaroni. In other words, I am moved.

I do eventually want to see an America where more than just two parties dominate national and local politics, but for now I am finally excited about one of those two actually doing something in any way positive.

PLEASE VOTE OBAMA/BIDEN in 2008!!!

blogger's clog

I believe a particularly lazy (see: typical) psychiatrist would diagnose this general malaise and listlessness as depression, but that's really not the case. I am not unable to experience joy. I have happy little moments every day. I make clever observations about the world and smugly nod at my own wittiness on the hour, like weather and traffic. It's when it comes down to expressing it in here, oh my dear weblog, that my stubborn proud nature forces me to look the sad truth in the face: what's the damn point and who cares? Doing the weekly radio show has been satisfying my need for a cathartic ritual of mental diarrhea, but even that is starting to gnaw at my better senses. People only care about what you think if they think it can make them seem more important and special by caring about you think. Nowadays people rarely allow themselves to have a philosophical dialogue or intellectual connection with another human being unless she/he is getting paid handsomely for holding the views she/he holds. People always talk about how democratized communication has become with the advent of the Internet, but let's face it: even the "blogosphere" is becoming highly commercialized and neatly packaged. The most popular blogs discuss the most superficial aspects of the human experience: video games, TV shows, the latest fashions, politics - consumer products, basically. Philosophy seems to be dead. Every time I walk into a book store in search of some hidden nugget of mental inspiration, I walk away disappointed. Just more motivational, self-help, new age garbage lines the shelves, and everyone seems to be aboard the "this is the way things should be" train. It isn't the world that's dysfunctional. It's YOU. That's the message the powers that be send us, and on my worst days, I almost buy in.

But I for one have always questioned the fundamental structure of society and how it evolved into the mess we live in now. I just wish I had access to people who shared my desire to discuss and dissect the nature of things without being ridiculed as being pretentious. I'm just a curious, wide-eyed girlchild, lost in a sea of scary angry men.

There is one person who gives me hope.

http://www.alaindebotton.com/

People who think for thinking's sake still exist.

And now it's time to watch the Democratic convention.

Podcasts for Sunday 08-03-2008

Check out Sunday's show if you missed it!

Segment 1:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mariyaalexander/08032008TheMariyaAlexanderShow1.mp3

Segment 2:

http://www.switchpod.com/users/mariyaalexander/08032008TheMariyaAlexanderShowPt2.mp3


Spank you very much!

cerebral flatulence

I could have sworn that just last week summer was beginning. Where has the time gone? Where? I have yet to enjoy even a single day of good-old-fashioned summer fun in the sun. So to make up for all the skin cancer I may not have been getting, I went to the tanning salon twice in the past month. I am a shallow ass-hole of a person, because I like myself so much more when I am tan and even-toned. The Semitic beak on my face still bothers me, but at least I've got my killer personality. Just the other day, in fact, I killed an entire army of invading ants. I can't believe I can love animals so much and hate insects that much more, especially ants. They're just like people. They capture slaves, they farm other insects, they serve a big bloated dictator and fulfill their societal roles without any forethought.
Did I mention I am actually in a great mood? There is clearly no reason for it, for I am still me, and I still hate this sick sad world, but yet I flash myself saucy smiles every time I pass a mirror. I am like a freakin' martyr, I swear - a shining example of laughing in the face of absurdity and unfulfilled expectations!

I am busier than ever. I'm tired. I'm giddy. I'm excited.

I'm ronery.

I miss my friends.

Thank you Jeebus for not letting Twitch get voted off of "So You Think You Can Dance"!

Speaking of lively competition, has anyone seen this yet:
http://www.japanesebugfights.com/ ?

It's morbidly addictive.

Speaking of other morbid things, check out my show Sunday at 1 PM!!!

Listen every Sunday at 1 here: http://stations.swcast.net/urbancowgirl777

Also, I am looking for a new book to read. After finishing the magical "The Testament of Gideon Mack" and the disturbing "Lolita", I am pondering my next literary adventure. Suggestions?

Irony Deficiency

I am sitting in a windowless dungeon of a room somewhere in the depths of the building housing my precious WJFK. My job is officially called "content editor" but more humorously referred to as "the dumper". Little do they know as they joke in this manner that dumping is something I take very seriously, usually while reading classic literature or solving sophisticated crossword puzzles. In any case this is an awkward position for me because while I understand my duties, I can't help feeling strange about having to essentially censor people at the precise moment that they're actually saying something interesting and provocative. So much for the land of the free and the home of the brave when silly little words like "penis", "vagina", "boobies", "handjob" and the like must be guarded against with the same vigilance we're dedicating to fighting global terror... Which is another crock of buttered excrement, if we're on the topic, which we're not...

Had a barbecue at mother-in-law's yesterday. Had a lovely discussion (and I use the term "lovely" very loosely) about the dangers of letting gay couples adopt children. Even the 84-year-old grandma chimed in, purely in Greek, to denounce the effect of those toxic gays on poor impressionable young minds. My husband and I attempted to stand up for our homo loving ways, but were outnumbered, so eventually just gave up. To drive the point home - that theirs is a red-blooded, all-American BBQ - several people tried to feed us skirt steak, even going so far as to hold it hopefully in front of our faces. We did not break. We pursed our lips indignantly and munched on the chickpeas and portabellos and potato salad we filled our plates with. There were also crabs and shrimp, and while I tried to partake in that, it was difficult. The shrimp were too big and too meaty, and I was unable to suppress my feelings of empathy for the poor dead creatures. And just imagine how horrible the steamed crabs were! I saw their guts and their gills, and realized once and for all that I'd effectively killed the carnivore instinct inside of me. I used to love munching on ribs and chicken bones, sucking the juices and meat shreds down my throat, but now the idea of it really troubles me. I am made of the same meat and bones as all those other critters, and I don't think I would smile upon being devoured in an orgiastic feast, being boiled alive! My addiction to baked sole filets and smoked salmon will be hard to break, but I'm seriously considering stopping it all together. Then I will be 99% vegan. I doubt I'll ever give up eggs. I'm not a masochist, after all.

In other great news, children's thongs are now on the market and available for mass consumption!

And for those blood-thirsty devils among you, check this out:

Japanesebugfights.com

It was featured in this Maxim magazine left for me in my "editing" cell.