Brrr. It is cold here. Or maybe it's just me. I've been stewing in my own stagnant warm puddles - though I am proud to say, not of my own bodily making - and now by contrast the outside world feels cold. Will they love me again? Will they be amused by my musings or disgusted by my unabashed need for their affection? Oh, these elusive "they", how I've missed "them". "Missed" them. "I've" missed them. I have.
Right now I am at my job. At my work. Sitting at my desk, in my office. Okay, it's not just my office - I share it with my boss. I like that there are two big windows and green plants, but I don't like that my desk is positioned with my back towards the door and the center of the room - making me feel always vulnerable. I've become a master web browser window collapser by now, with the ears of a bat. (Note: my ears are in fact a little pointy and bat-like - a source of great pride, as they make me look elfish.) The point is, as all things in my life, my situation here is quite imperfect. Thus, the guilt that blogging on company time should engender in any conscientious worker is kept at a bare minimum. I'm happier here than I've been at any job before, so I relish the tiny guilt pangs that seep through the general buzzing ennui in my brain. They make me feel authentic and sincere, like I'm a good person who just sometimes does not so good things. You know? The misunderstood bad girl who blogs at work.
I decided it's important for me to document my comings and goings after all. I realized this the other day when someone quoted me something I said to them in conversation, espousing a view, or perhaps even a belief, that I never remembered discussing with said person in the first place. Goes to show you how important beliefs are to me! I have them and all - at least I think I do - but I never seem to really use them as valid criteria for choosing which people I interact with, for instance. The point is, my life is moving at an ever-increasing pace, and I don't want to miss any important turns. Not that anything is particularly important. Or is everything important? I just don't know!
The main struggle I seem to be having internally these days is one between a life of material asceticism and the pursuit of spiritual enlightenment, and a life of so-called success, as measured by layman's standards: status, prestige, disposable income, the works. Right now I am straddling the fence between the two, and all I have to show for it is a chafed crotch. It's really a matter of poor time management, isn't it? And isn't this rambling entry a case-in-point? Even if I am choosing to spend this time allotted for work on NOT work-related activities, I could be doing something else more "productive". Like, re-working my resume, or uploading the most recent podcast, or writing jokes, or looking into finally having my comedy website built, or looking for other jobs, or reading the news, or any number of things that can yield a measurable reward. But no. I have this mental itch to COMMUNICATE, to SHARE, to CONNECT - but with WHOM?! WHY?!
I am as lonely as ever. And that's all there is to it.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." - “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - *Søren Kierkegaard (via lazypacific)*
5 weeks ago