Irony Deficiency

I am sitting in a windowless dungeon of a room somewhere in the depths of the building housing my precious WJFK. My job is officially called "content editor" but more humorously referred to as "the dumper". Little do they know as they joke in this manner that dumping is something I take very seriously, usually while reading classic literature or solving sophisticated crossword puzzles. In any case this is an awkward position for me because while I understand my duties, I can't help feeling strange about having to essentially censor people at the precise moment that they're actually saying something interesting and provocative. So much for the land of the free and the home of the brave when silly little words like "penis", "vagina", "boobies", "handjob" and the like must be guarded against with the same vigilance we're dedicating to fighting global terror... Which is another crock of buttered excrement, if we're on the topic, which we're not...

Had a barbecue at mother-in-law's yesterday. Had a lovely discussion (and I use the term "lovely" very loosely) about the dangers of letting gay couples adopt children. Even the 84-year-old grandma chimed in, purely in Greek, to denounce the effect of those toxic gays on poor impressionable young minds. My husband and I attempted to stand up for our homo loving ways, but were outnumbered, so eventually just gave up. To drive the point home - that theirs is a red-blooded, all-American BBQ - several people tried to feed us skirt steak, even going so far as to hold it hopefully in front of our faces. We did not break. We pursed our lips indignantly and munched on the chickpeas and portabellos and potato salad we filled our plates with. There were also crabs and shrimp, and while I tried to partake in that, it was difficult. The shrimp were too big and too meaty, and I was unable to suppress my feelings of empathy for the poor dead creatures. And just imagine how horrible the steamed crabs were! I saw their guts and their gills, and realized once and for all that I'd effectively killed the carnivore instinct inside of me. I used to love munching on ribs and chicken bones, sucking the juices and meat shreds down my throat, but now the idea of it really troubles me. I am made of the same meat and bones as all those other critters, and I don't think I would smile upon being devoured in an orgiastic feast, being boiled alive! My addiction to baked sole filets and smoked salmon will be hard to break, but I'm seriously considering stopping it all together. Then I will be 99% vegan. I doubt I'll ever give up eggs. I'm not a masochist, after all.

In other great news, children's thongs are now on the market and available for mass consumption!

And for those blood-thirsty devils among you, check this out:

Japanesebugfights.com

It was featured in this Maxim magazine left for me in my "editing" cell.

Show Outline

I suppose the best way forward is the truth. They say that it's supposed to set you free, and though that has never been the case in my own life, I'm willing to give it a shot on the air tomorrow to entertain the masses. And by masses, I mean the 5-10 people who listen to my ramblings every Sunday. Whatever. The past however long has been a blur punctuated by various noteworthy yet utterly insignificant events, and by god, I will share them with you whether you like it or not!

First and foremost, what the hell was I thinking agreeing to work at 6 AM at WJFK tomorrow morning?! I was so eager to please, and so stupidly flattered by the offer of some ungodly, unwanted by anyone hours, that I blindly agreed to work them, and now I will enjoy another red-eyed, suicidal day. Everyone at the station congratulated me upon the end of my internship last week when they found out I'd be coming back for part-time work, but what did those congratulations really mean coming from the lips of on-air talent? "Congratulations! I'm very glad that I will never have to deal with your unsettling presence again, you stupid girl. Go and sulk in the background, operating machinery and feeling grateful for even being here like the rest of our happy-go-lucky board-ops."
Well the only problem is that I am delusional, and know in my heart of hearts that I am deserving of respect and glory, god dammit. I don't want to develop the pallor and passivity endemic in the radio techie race. I am a talent! Sure I may not have any movie films to review, and sure I am not a flamboyant homosexual boy with soft hips... but I love to talk into big black microphones all the same. If I were gearing up to do that at 6 AM tomorrow morning, I'd be happy. Instead I'll have to yawn my way through 6 long hours of playing other people's pre-recorded shows from CD's and making sure all the commercials play at the right times. THEN I'll have to drive down the street to another, lesser known, broadcasting facility, where I will have to conduct The Mariya Alexander Show bitter, tired and alone, heard by almost no one.

Since I haven't had the time or energy to book any guests, or plan any of what they refer to in the entertainment industry as "bits", my plan for tomorrow's show is going to be an honest hard look at my sad little life. Much like in the real thing, I will be alone. The room will be dimly lit, a little cold and musty. My hair will be a wild mess, and my thoughts will flow out over the cable and internet "air" waves like the pungent smells wafting through a hallway of an apartment building heavily populated by ethnic peoples. Like those odors, my words will disturb and displease many, but will be noticed and remarked upon by any who come across them.

Talking points for tomorrow's show:

1) First ever photography commission leaves me paralyzed by fear and sheer awkwardness, as it was given to me by very friendly, younger acquaintance of husband who creates these types of situations to cement a stronger friendship between us and him and his significant other (We like them anyway, is the thing)

2) Working at a hair salon has made me begin to rethink my whole "women are just as cool and funny and smart as men" stance. I can at least say with certainty that the current generation of late 40-somethings to 60-year-olds are forged in the depths of hell by Satan herself. Not that it really matters, but I am prepared to name names and reveal the most awful perpetrators of crimes against youth and beauty.


3) Emotionally ill loved ones - how to cope when you can't get dope. (AKA The split personality husband)

4) Proactiv - another gimmick that left me with huge painful zits bubbling under the surface of my tortured skin.

5) Being a size 0 but still managing to have fatty thighs and calves. What the hell?

6) Paying someone for the chance to do a migrant laborer's day's work in the strawberry fields: the benefits there of.

7) Feeling lonely and isolated even in the cyberworlds of MySpace and Facebook.... How does one throw decency and consideration out the window and boldly coerce people into doing what you want them to do?

All that and much much more on this week's edition of
"The Mariya Alexander Show"!!!!!

Listen live, Sundays at 1 PM!

http://stations.swcast.net/urbancowgirl777

DC Comedy

Blessed be the baby Jesus for letting me get out of work early today and take advantage of this beautiful, sunny day dedicated to the tragic demise of many fallen war heroes. I honestly can't believe how many people I heard saying "Happy memorial day!" to one another today. It's disgusting.

But since I don't care about people or memorials or wars, I'm getting ready for the first official outing with my newly 21-year-old sister. We're going to hit up an open mic comedy night in Adams Morgan, hosted by some of the lovely folks from http://dccomedy4now.blogspot.com . I am desperately trying to cling onto the few acquaintances I've managed to make in the DC comedy scene, because let's face it, if there is any scene to be a part of, the comedy scene is the only one where you can actually make fun of people for being pretentious, so I like it. The rave scene, my former stomping ground, was full of phonies (myself included), but no one was too keen on having that pointed out.

Comedy rules. Maybe if I get drunk enough I'll get up and say a few disparaging words about myself.... outloud this time.

.......

The best part of today has been that I didn't have to leave my cats alone all day. I slept in, foregoing the internship in honor of the anniversary of my birth, and cuddled with my babies. Then I watched them watch the birds and chipmunks and bunnies gather around the feeder we put in the backyard. They made quiet little squealing noises from excitement at seeing so many living creatures at once, and watching it all made my heart melt time and time again.

The faint aroma of imaginary success

Doing the show on my own this past Sunday was liberating, and by all accounts was decidedly better than every other show I had done with the former co-host. My comedian guests, Ian Salmon and Sarah Newell, were fabulous and very generous to spend their time with me on Sunday after doing a huge gig the night before - a Def Comedy Jam event! Look these people up on MySpace, they're really nice and fun, and overall I was very very happy with how the show went. I need to upload it for sure. This one I am actually proud of, minus me stumbling over the very long call letters and legal ID of the station at the opening of the show. It just sucks not having almost any time to dedicate to serious production work. It should already be edited and ready for your listening pleasure, but I am so tired, I can barely dress myself in the morning.
Which brings me to my next point. As much as I honestly heart the Junkies, and Bret O, and pretty much everyone at WJFK, I don't know how much more of this schedule I can take. My internship is officially done in a few weeks, so naturally I would like to have a sit-down with the PD and see if they can make any room for me at all there. I can't imagine not ever seeing any of the wonderful people I've met at the station. The thought of it really makes me sad. But come on, waking up at 3:30 AM three times a week for FREE?! I mean, if I can at least get some paid hours at the station, I could cut back more at the salon and live more like a human and less like a zombie. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll become the most hated Junkette! Ha ha ha.

Whatever, it's time to brag. A famous person who may or may not have appeared on the show in recent weeks called me today! He actually called me! I am honestly floored by how kind and wonderful and cordial people can be, when you least expect it. Am I retarded to hope for an actual long-term friendship? Every time someone expresses any form of liking me, my first response is to laugh in my own face. But why the hell not? Total retards go around liking people and being liked back, so I deserve a little bit of love and respect too, and it might as well be from well-known public figures. Maybe if I got more of it as a sickly infant, I wouldn't feel so doubtful about it all now... Yes, it all comes back to the mommy issues. Wah, wah, wah! No, but seriously.... When I think about the fact that my mom got married and knocked up with me by age 20, I just feel bad for her. I really did ruin her life. No wonder she pawned me off to my grandparents for much of my baby-hood so she could at least finish college. She claims she's happy, but I know that when my birthday rolls around on Monday, AKA Cinco de Mayo, she will remind me once again about how the labor almost killed her. She just can't help herself. I know it was traumatic, but I can't spend my entire life feeling guilty for existing. Or maybe I can. My guilt levels are always at a nice, steady level, peaking in the red during holidays.

This coming up Sunday, another really funny local comedian will join me in studio. I met him at a bar downtown. His name is Peter. Before I even knew he was a comedian, he made me crack up while serving us drinks. He made fun of yuppy people in the neighborhood who call their children Dylan, Declan, Madison, and Carter without any provocation, without thinking twice that perhaps MY name is Dylan, Declan, Madison, or Carter. I liked that about him. He just knew it would make us all laugh. He made fun of us too, right to our faces. I respect that kind of person. So anyway, he'll be my guest and it's guaranteed to be a great show!

cringe

What a disaster this last show was. I feel truly embarrassed, and wish I could erase the day not only from my own memory, but from the memories of those unfortunate souls who chanced to hear the debacle.
Despite several warnings and pleas to my former co-host for proper, professional conduct, he hi-jacked the show and took it completely off the rails with his vulgar, simplistic, and completely out of place comments. The charm of working with him at first was that he was quiet and only spoke in response to my topics. I had always liked him during school and enjoyed the audio projects he created, so when I first thought of working with him, I couldn't even suspect that he would turn out to be such a loose cannon. Well, that's exactly what he was. He interrupted me, our callers, and made me feel truly comfortable. I wanted to cut the program short and run away crying, but alas, I had to sit there and wait it out. He was probably just excited and couldn't control himself, which is bad... but what if he ultimately doesn't care that I'm the one that created the show, and that he has to recognize his place in the scheme of things? That's much worse, isn't it? He just wants to do what he wants to do, and say the things he likes to say, which are pretty much too absurd and too foul even for me.

For the love of the baby Jesus, please tune in next Sunday and give the new and improved show a chance! There will be guests, there will be calls, and I'll actually try to round up prizes for anyone who even bothers to participate in the show interactively; i.e. calling in, e-mailing, supporting in any way. There will be no more wild, overbearing co-host. Only the strangely addicting phenomenon that is me ;-)

But the truth is I feel awful and nervous. I don't like conflict of any kind, so writing the email breaking off the on-air relationship was very difficult. I wish him all the best of luck, but I just know that I can't wait around for him to mature as a performer. I honestly hate this feeling. This is how it felt when I would first start dating someone and then realize within a day or two that he was creepy, while he was completely oblivious and thought things were going great. The break-up would hit him completely out of the blue, and after that point all the affection he felt for me would turn into bitter resentment. That's what I hope doesn't happen now. Enough people out there hate me already.

*sigh*

The Mariya Alexander Show - Episode 2

Join me tomorrow, Sunday April 13 @ 1 PM for another exciting hour of The Mariya Alexander Show featuring The Incredible White Bean aka Chris Green.

Is Barrack Obama really a long-legged mack daddy? Would you be a pedophile for a day if it meant you made someone's dying wish come true? Don't the poor women in Darfur deserve to not be raped and tortured as they forage for fire wood? (This one is serious.) There is no topic we won't cover, and no body part we won't expose as we court the attention of our fickle, barely there audience. Tune into:

http://stations.swcast.net/urbancowgirl777

or, if you're a resident of Fairfax County you can catch us on:

Cox channel 37
or
Comcast channel 27

every Sunday at 1 PM !!!!

If you have a charity or creative endeavor you'd like to promote, or if you have a great idea you'd like to hear on the fake radio, OR if you have no life and the generosity of Mother Teresa and simply want to help out with promotion and organization, please leave a comment or email me: mariyamedia@verizon.net.
Angry redneck stalkers need not apply. Stalkers of other varieties possibly welcome.