Kayla and I are writing a book. I don't know the title yet. I don't know if it's going to be one continuous flow of a narrative/account, or more like anecdotal essays, but the theme is going to be our common experience: extricating ourselves from bad abusive marriages that we got into way too young, and having to deal with the world newly alone and scared, but how that's still more satisfying than the horrible lives we would have had if we'd stayed married but comfortable. And we use the term "comfortable" very loosely. I mean, what's so comfortable about coming home every day and dodging insults or various projectiles thrown at you in anger? Nothing. It fucking sucks.
I managed to carve out some time to read the news today, for the first time in weeks. Boy, what a mistake THAT was. I mean, not really. I personally found it fascinating that Justin Bieber is starting his own nail polish line, or that some asshole actually threw a book at Obama at a recent rally. But there were also nonstop stories about murders and violent crimes of all sorts, and teenage suicides, and bullying, and just people behaving atrociously toward one another. This is so disheartening to me. Something is really amiss in the world when everyone is feeling so frazzled all the time, and has no idea how to process emotions, letting them all turn into aggression and fear. This isn't just some vague general feeling, either. I see it manifest itself every day on an interpersonal level too. People are afraid to care about one another. And, by the same token, some broken people use faux, generic affection to prey upon those they perceive to be weaker, to manipulate and control them. I don't even know what I find more bearable. I think I'd rather have all-out aggression than some of the twisted mindfucky soul leeching I've had to endure.
Believe me, I don't like to think in stereotypes, and I've always been drawn to men as friends, so this isn't a typical woman's complaint.. but what in the world is wrong with you people?! Seriously! Like having a penis excuses you from having common decency or integrity! My opinions of people I've admired and respected have drastically, let us say, evolved of late. And it seems like the nicer a guy believes himself to be, the more grotesque his hypocrisy and selfishness ultimately is. And GOD, am I tired of pity parties. Psychologically sound explanations for complete lapses in ethical consciousness. All of it. Grow up!
Like, I know life is turning out very disappointingly, when this actually starts to make sense:
It's like the crazy lady is speaking from experience.
I love that she's dressed like a librarian, has the eyes of a meth-head, and an obvious talent for writing erotica.
Will I become like that lady?
Here I go admitting too much about myself again.
I just did yoga, you see. It helps a great deal with feelings that otherwise would be unbearable. And also you feel like just for one more day you've done your part to fight the battle against unwarranted size increases. I can't afford to go shopping all the time, you know.
No, but for realsies. I want to teach you yoga. I had a blast instructing my sister. My favorite moment is when I adjust a person's pose to where it's supposed to REALLY be and their eyes start bulging out of their heads because FUCK it hurts muscles you didn't even know you had... (I know, it's still relatively new to me) Well, that moment is priceless.
My right shoulder hurts.
6 months ago