Tuesday, March 4, 2008

God Knows You Lonely Souls

I'm exhausted - a walking zombie - but alas, I can't sleep without my beloved. He's away at the Torpedo Factory, making art torpedoes... or teaching random people how to sculpt the human nakedness. Either way, he isn't here, and I can't sleep without him. Thus I am caught in a cycle of sleep deprivation throughout the week, which culminates in a completely useless Sunday, when I lay around comatose and feel guilty for not accomplishing something during my long-awaited "free" time. Just like this past Sunday. What a waste.

There are just too many things to think about. I am not the type to know what to do about all of them, so I just sit and think and worry. Or run around and think and worry. I try to chip away, one little thing at a time, and I try to reward myself by allowing tiny moments of feeling good, but mostly I am just scared. But I keep pushing myself to do the pointless things I do anyway.

This Saturday is the last radio production class at Fairfax Public Access. I have to submit my show proposal and then my very own weekly 1-hour show will be bestowed upon me. I want to be excited, but I just feel numb. It's no huge accomplishment, really. No one really pays attention to public access/cable-cast/web-cast little shows, do they? I need a web guru to help me promote. Better yet, I need a hilarious, jaunty co-host, but where is he? I decided that I would definitely prefer a HE, because a SHE would compete too much. I need to be unique. So far I'm doing okay on my own with the little practice runs we've been doing on the air, but come on. How long can I sit and talk to myself before I start to lose touch with reality? I need someone who can at least argue with me a little bit, make fun of my utter insanity. Where could that someone be? Why do all my friends have to be so flaky and/or nonexistent? *sigh*


But enough whining. I really shouldn't complain. Things are moving right along. My internship at 106.7 WJFK is going swell. The guys, the locally famous Sports Junkies, or just The Junkies, as they are now known, treat me great... considering I am a girl. It's just really depressing to be surrounded by so many men and feel their physical attraction to me and their simultaneous indifference toward me in every other regard. They can't even fathom that I may know more than them about the world at large, or that my IQ is most likely higher than their IQs averaged... maybe even put together.. haha. But either way, they have no idea about any of this. All they want to know is when the last time I hooked up with a girl was, and do I prefer to have sperm land somewhere on my body, on my face, or in my mouth. I mean, the very idea that any woman actually likes for sperm to land anywhere near her is preposterous, but whatever. That's the world I am in. Sperm, and sports, and machismo oozing out of every crevice. And honestly, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Okay, I would trade it for the world and many different things in the world, but I wouldn't trade it for any regular office, or retail, or customer service job. And I ultimately really like everyone I work with on a personal level. It's just frustrating to not have everyone immediately recognize my greatness! But why should they? They need to see a finished product of some sort before they can judge me. So that's what I'm doing with this whole public access business. Hopefully some semi-decent demos will be made so that for once I can look someone in the eyes and ask them where they like their sperm.

43 comments:

Tix said...

OH MY GOD - Reading that makes me want to stick unsharpened pencils in my eyes. Your passive/aggressive bullshit makes me want to puke. There are people who would kill for that internship and you sit there and club it under the guise of it being a "joke". Shut up and do your job, hole.

denniswasitis said...

Maria. You should read "poker without cards" or anything by Robert Anton Wilson.

Anthony said...

I blacked out after the first sentence...but I came too and saw your picture.

I. WOULD. TERRORIZE. IT.

MariyaWrites said...

to TIX: It's funny how you're such a die-hard fan of the show but are probably the first one to call in with some pathetic, random "botch", without even realizing that it is a comedy show and it's all in good fun. As soon as we went off the air, we all made out and patted each other on the back, if you want to know the truth.

MariyaWrites said...

dennis - Thanks so much for the tip! Even if you meant it as some sort of "club", I love reading and will definitely check it out.

MariyaWrites said...

anthony - these blogs are really meant for me to flex my writing muscle, and I must admit, they aren't for everyone, but thanks for sticking around long enough to at least say something nice. Hah.

Rock Star said...

Interesting. I've always thought I could do something similar to what the Junkies do (that is - have funny banter back and forth about pop culture, sports and news) but radio just doesn't pay anything (at least, initially) and you only make good money after years of hard work and sacrifice (like making a low salary or waking up or working ungodly hours). I know it's hard work, but I know they love what they do. Plus, it paid off for them in the end and I'm sure they wouldn't be doing anything else.

Anyways, why radio? You should def. think about TV. I have thought about it, but it's too late for me. At 28, I don't have time to "start over". This area is too expensive to be making a salary in the 20's or 30's.

I could probably be a good co-host for you but like I said, not sure I could take the pay cut. Best of luck, though!

MariyaWrites said...

RockStar - Radio is much easier to get into than TV. To up and start a career in television, you usually have to intern for a news station, and I honestly want nothing to do with the news business. If you would consider being my co-host, at first it wouldn't pay much and it would only be one hour per week to start with - not too difficult. If you would want to at least try it, for shits and giggles, I'd be very open to that. Just don't try to make me wear a meat bikini!

Mike said...

You write, "It's a comedy show and its all in good fun." Then why do write the longest paragraph in your blog on everything that you hate about the show?

Flex your writing muscle? Don't you mean flex your ability to string multiple thoughts together into run-on sentences? Don't you mean flex your ability to start sentences with conjunctions? You have BDK sized writing muscle.

MariyaWrites said...

Mike - It's time to clean out your pussy and get a life. The fact that you're so familiar with BDK's muscle size is very disturbing. How is that for concise? No run-on sentences here.

LoveTheJunks said...

It's good to know that here in 2008, we can all officially say we have seen the most self important person in the history of humankind. All those who have ever lived, and all those who will die, we found her. You deserve a trophy for this accomplishment, Mariya.

Anthony said...

Great answer.

You know, my first comment was in jest, and also a tester to see how your personality/ego takes left field comments when you're most likely looking for constructive criticism or advise.

I will be the first to admit that I love the Junkies and I've been listening to them for the better part of this decade and will agree that their banter can amount to awkward, low-brow humor. However, with that said, they are radio guys. They can't help that what their show boils down to is 4 friends sitting around and talking about basically whatever comes to mind. With that will definitely come the sexual frustration/inquiry that every guy feels with a beautiful girl and they have the unique position of actually acting on those that may go through every guy's head, and not get smacked for it.

All in all, you have an interesting mind with the thoughts that you've expressed and I look forward to reading more, and hopefully watching you grow as a radio personality.

MariyaWrites said...

Lovethejunks - If you only had any idea how much I actually despise myself, you wouldn't give me that much credit. I don't suppose you've ever been an outcast in life. Lonely people like me have no choice but to pretend to be self-important.

Hot Meat Products said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LoveTheJunks said...

You are lonely because you are a smarmy, arrogant, nasty twat of a human being with serious delusions of grandeur. You already have a leg up on most people because you are aesthetically pleasing, and you still can't manage to prevent everyone around you from wishing for your early death.

Hot Meat Products said...

Mariya is just being Mariya. The problem with is that her brain is so active that it turns on herself. She thinks, and thus she thinks she's good and that leads to pomposity. I hate to paint with a broad brush, but from spending a lot of time with Russians, this is OVERWHELMINGLY common trait with Slavic peoples. They adore torturing logic and themselves as well. They think that the smarter people, or at least those who are pretentious, should be leaders which is naive because leadership require a lot of facets. Once someone gets out of school and wants to make their way in the real world, smart just becomes another adjective.

Rockville Pike said...

Dear Maria,

Please come take a nap on me tonight.

MariyaWrites said...

Lovethejunks - Do I have delusions of grandeur or are you that insecure that my little voice - my completely unserious voice - gets under your skin so easily? Prior to today, this blog was meant for my few friends who get a kick out of it. I didn't ask for it to be read on the air, or at all, and only went along with all this nonsense for the sake of the show. You're spewing your hate now, but your lard-laden, sexually frustrated ass was thoroughly entertained, wasn't it? If your gods The Junkies can find it in their hearts to put up with me, I think you should trust their judgment.

MariyaWrites said...

Rockville Pike - I hope you don't mean "nap" in any violent way.

MariyaWrites said...

Hot Meat Products - First and foremost, I love your name! Secondly, though your analysis was captivating, please don't compare me to other Russians. They have horrible diets and actually hate the kind of mental masturbation you are describing, opting instead for robotic money-chasing and social climbing. You are describing an old sort of Russian from novels. I'm just a simple soul who wants to have fun and stir up the occasional controversy. You should see how I light up a family dinner. The uncomfortable silences are priceless. But thank you for sort of defending me anyway. You seem like one of the few listeners who doesn't live in an unpronounceable part of rural Maryland or Virginia. If you do, I'm very sorry. I'll pray for you to make your escape safely. You seem like a valuable member of society.

MariyaWrites said...

Anthony,

That was the nicest thing you could have said. I am truly touched, and very glad that at least a few people with an objective percetion of reality still exist.

LoveTheJunks said...

Every time I open up this page, the smell of cat piss, and cheap vodka emanates from my PC.

endymion96 said...

If some of you were a little more intelligent, you would read this blog and come to the educated conclusion that the main point of her reflections were not meant to "club" the Junkies, but to highlight her frustrations of being undiscovered.

OMG, the world is really full of stupid people. Mariya was also trying to write in a humorous and provocative style so some of her statements were a little bombastic ... that means inflated or pretentious for you dummys.

Another thing you donkeys can't wrap your tiny brains around is that this girl is not native to this country so she has had to work twice as hard to get where she's gotten. The fact that she writes in the English language better than most of you can think in it says something.

Just to set the record straight, I'm a Junkies fan and I appreciate their humor as well. I'm not defending her because of some ulterior motive, I don't even know her.

If you wanna argue about how her beauty has opened doors for her ... then that's another argument so don't confuse her blogging with her physical traits you mental midgets.

Peace.

Dstudent said...

endymion, stop kissing her ass, she won't sleep with you. I've dated two Russian chicks, it was back in the day, and Maria reminds me of them. One was from georgia the other from Odessa, I think. It must be the communism, lack of loaves of bread and the vodka fueled beatings that the woman take on a daily basis. The two I dated were great at first. Very affectionate. They both slowly turned psycho eventually, in a much different way that some American women do. Not many women are good at radio, but good luck anyway.

Murda101 said...

You should ask BDK if he wants to be your co-host. Keep doing your thing Maria.

MariyaWrites said...

Lovethejunks - It's time to get a new PC then.

MariyaWrites said...

Andymion - Would you like to be my publicist? That was the greatest, and notably best written, comment ever!

MariyaWrites said...

Murda - If BDK isn't all huffy and mad at me I would definitely consider it. He's a very sensitive guy, though, so I don't know how he would handle my "evil" tendencies.

Dave said...

Mariya, you are an attention-whore. You fail to realize that looks are transitory, and good looking, even beautiful, girls are a dime a dozen. In a few years you are going to pack on the pounds (it's in your genes, after all), leaving you with only your pathetic personality.

Goose said...

Hi. I can see that the men are leaving lovely comments. So nice. They make it hard for a guy who isn't crude to get laid. ha ha. Having said that, yes your pic is cute, but where is the full body shot? And these guys go they would terrorize it. meh! Would they allow your husband to join in and give them the spotted owl on their chests? I mean it would clump in their chest hair but still. . .

Aww Mariya. I think you are pretending to be more of an outcast than you are. You are trying to use your wit and brains in the same way women use their sexuality.

I would not call it passive aggressive. It is that deep down you long to be able to be as vapid as those women. There is a small part of you that wants to be that way. And you know that you can, but when the men never notice anything else about you - talent, ability, wit - it pisses you off, so you use your sexuality selectively and the brains comes out directed as anger and interpreted as "passive aggressive." I think, what you really want is confidence.

Am I wrong?

LVE said...

Brilliantly written - so funny...Kudos, Maria, thanks...

LoveTheJunks said...

Mraiya is Hitler, minus the integrity.

MariyaWrites said...

Dave - what in hell are you talking about? I don't give a shit about my looks, but let me assure you that I will never put on any pounds. I'm a strict vegan, minimize my sugar intake, and thus my evil fat genes will be thwarted! But how exactly am I an attention whore? I work in radio. You listen to radio. It's not my fault you're paying attention. This blog used to be private until CK the internet spy found it and had it read on the air. And speaking of my looks - do you know any good plastic surgeons?

MariyaWrites said...

Goose -

Is it too soon to say I love you? =) The spotted owl in the chest hairs bit is priceless!

And not that I'm complaining, but I definitely am and have always been an outcast. I get along great with everyone, but I've moved around so much and lived in so many different socioeconomic strata that it's been hard to forge lasting bonds, the sorts that people have from growing up together and knowing their place in the community. So ultimately you are right, I do want confidence and security, which is coming slowly with age. As far as my involvement in radio goes, my frustration isn't just that MY talent and wit isn't recognized. It's that NO WOMAN's talen or wit is ever truly recognized objectively without attaching it to some trite "feminist" cause. That's my frustration with men and this world in general, and that's why I will continue pursuing radio and broadcasting in general.

As I said, I love you.

MariyaWrites said...

Ive - Love you, love you, love you!

MariyaWrites said...

EVERYONE -

For full body shots, you can friend me on myspace. The link is in my blogger profile. But I will definitely not allow any evil comments on there, so if you're a hater, there's no point.

MariyaWrites said...

Lovethejunkies -
I think you should change your name to AddictedToMariya. I never tire of your spirited comments.

Seats said...

I nominate Lovethejunks Hitler post for Comment of the Year.

MariyaWrites said...

Seats - So does that mean that you admire Hitler's work?

The Coaster Critic said...

Props to you for 'putting up with the Junks' on a daily basis. I love the show, but I couldn't imagine having them as co-workers or bosses. If you're not a white male that loves sports you are guaranteed to be offended by them at some point. Also, it boggles my mind that they have as many female listeners as they do when you consider their content. Again, I love the final product, but I can see why you're frustrated. Good luck!

endymion96 said...

Uh, dstudent ... no wonder you're a "D" student. You still can't figure out the meaning behind what educated people write.

FYI, I am half Russian myself. My father was an immigrant. I know all about Russian culture. Not trying to date the girl ... she's married, D'uh.

Goose said...

You love me! sweet. Wait . . . Do I get anything for that. I mean other than a warm fuzzy feeling. No, not that kind of feeling. Never mind.

Well, here is my response to that and I am on the fence on this one. I think talk Radio is generally centered on two things - Politics and Comedy shows. Guess which one you are on?

Anyway, politics is still an a good old boys club to a certain degree. Also, most women tend to be more liberal and liberal talk shows never last.

Two, the humor thing. I have had this discussion with people before. And I think it comes down to some odd fact that as a whole, women tend to not be as funny as men are. There is actually a biological and linguistic reason for this - I won't get into it here. But in short, women find men more attractive when then laugh at them and men find women more attractive when she is laughing at his jokes. Think of humor as being the peacock feathers.

Nataleesthot said...

Hey Mariya,

Fancy hearing you on the radio.. I've been waiting for the longest I feel like...LOL! I feel like a total dork..but who cares...you were awesome, you are a pro...you twarted all the haters verbal attacks with your charm and overall proved yourself...

FYI, some of the listeners need to calm down...it's(the show) meant to be entertainment not a life or death issue....so they should calm down and have a latte..i heard that angry people react very well to lattes...sip my friends..sip,sip :)

see you this weekend hun