I realize that I am still technically young, but I certainly never expected to still be this underdeveloped, emotionally stunted, almost helpless husk of a human being by this time in my life. In Soviet Union time, I'm not only an adult, but should be raising my second or third child by now... WHILE going to work as an engineer at some office, and cooking dinner at home every night.
You know what I had for dinner today? A strawberry popsicle. Actually, it's an organic frozen juice bar from Trader Joe's, but that doesn't make it any more of a complete meal - just less poisonous.
Anyhow, I only wanted to take a brief inventory of everything I have and am while I have my wits about me. Of course no personal accounting can take place so quickly, nor should it be taken lightly, but I never seem to be able to play by the rules, so let's make light of my baseness, my weak moral character, and fat stack of failures, shall we?
1) My marriage is not what I intended it to be - that is, it's currently over, or at least on long-term hold. I counted on this man to save me, and he certainly gave me a great boost at the beginning, if only through allegorical inspiration, but ultimately, he needed me to save him even more. I think I gave him a good head start too. I pointed him in the right direction, emotionally and mentally. I cannot be the one to guide him through anything right now, though, as I myself am suffering from severe growing pains. Where is my wild-haired, clear-eyed, robe-clad sage?
2) I find myself painfully attracted to people who have absolutely no interest in me. This seems to give my mundane existence excitement. I don't know why I find suffering so exciting. Hi, my name is Mariya and I am a sadomasochist. And I like to drink and smoke, too.
3) I have finally enrolled in an improv class. Appropriately enough, it will be at the DC Improv. Monday nights, starting in March. I believe it will culminate with a showcase performance. This excites me and frightens me greatly.
4) Speaking of painful attraction - I am surprised by the sheer number of people I have been feeling these "vibes" from or towards. Am I just lonely? A sexual deviant? A self-aggrandizing fool?
5) Despite all this emotional turmoil, I still manage to get intellectually inspired from day to day, which is reassuring. Maybe all this falling in and out of love is just part of my experience. I shouldn't try to will it to be different. Maybe it has to be this way.
6) I am poor.
7) Truly disturbed to see tiny signs of aging start to creep up on my face. I miss the passion I felt when I first started this pseudo-vegan lifestyle. Back then "no dairy" meant "no dairy". Now it's "no dairy unless I really really want some and haven't had any in a while". Terrible. That's what I get. If I don't commit to not getting feeble and infirm and wrinkly, I can't very well expect to accomplish anything in that regard. When was the last time I had a proper work-out? Who even knows?! I need to re-read "Jitterbug Perfume" and get inspired again.
8) Windows Vista is not as bad as everyone tries to make it out to be. So far I don't see how it's bad at all. I'm just glad to have a new computer.
9) I keep having very vivid, sensory, emotional dreams.
10) When the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, and as Dick Clark was stroke-mouthing the last of his unsettling count-down, I was in the car with my sister. We shared a brief ironical giggle as we made our way to an unlikely Russian party with red caviar and vodka and such delicacies as smoked pickled herring under a bed of shredded beets, potatoes and boiled eggs with mayonnaise. Mouth-watering, I tell you. It's like a salt-fish potato salad slaw.
2 months ago